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From the Heart of a Mother:
Saving a Son, Healing a Family
By Nina Patten
To maintain the confidentiality principles of AA and Al-Anon, names and some specific details in the following article have been changed.
“You have a perfect family,” someone once told Ann. Two devoted parents with advanced degrees and successful careers were raising three intelligent children in an idyllic setting. Their new house nestled in a quiet cul-de-sac in southern Minnesota was truly their dream home.
Ann now sees the irony, “No one has a perfect family, however it looks from the outside.”
“Adam was always a cheery, warm kid with a positive ‘can-do’ attitude,” says Ann.
At age 14 Adam experienced a series of medical problems requiring multiple surgeries and an extensive period of rehabilitation. “I noticed personality changes and he was lagging behind in his schoolwork.”
In his junior year, Adam began skipping school and asked to be home-schooled. Ann worked with the guidance counselor to construct a curriculum allowing him to attend school half-time and complete the rest of his instruction at home.
One night, Adam did not come home. Ann went looking for him and found him in the early morning hours. He had been drinking with friends. “I thought it was a one-time thing,” she recalls, “I never thought one of my kids would use drugs.”
Not long after this incident, Ann learned that Adam had been using large amounts of cocaine. He was on anti-depressants and in real physical danger. Ann feared for his life. He entered a drug treatment facility but it proved too intense for the sensitive young man and he returned home after only a few days.
He was seeing a therapist and planning to go back to school but Adam was angry and withdrawn. The strain of maintaining a constant vigil drained Ann physically and emotionally. “I was watching his every move. I was afraid to let him out of my sight. When your child is sick, your expectations change. At the worst, we just wanted him to be alive – even if he wanted nothing to do with us.”
The next months were a nightmare. Adam overdosed and spent several days in a coma. He became enmeshed in the complex legal and social services system. Ann was more determined than ever to find someone to help her son.
“One of the hardest things for us was admitting that we needed help. It was only after we asked for help that we made progress.” Adam’s fragile physical and mental condition caused him to be turned away from several chemical dependency treatment programs. Ann had heard of the Adolescent Treatment Center of Winnebago (ATCW) in south central Minnesota but Adam was now 17 and perhaps too close their age cut-off.
From her conversations with the staff and program director Greg Bloodgood, LADC, Ann knew that the ATCW was Adam’s best option. She was relieved and grateful when they agreed to take him. However the process was not an easy one. “Almost as soon as Adam went in, he wanted back out. The first few days were very raw. Things improved as he connected with the staff but his three months there were strained.”
While in Winnebago, Adam completed his high school education and began applying to colleges. “The in-house schooling at ATCW was very effective. They do not believe that [drug] treatment should be at the cost of education. It sends such a message of hope.”
ATCW provides ongoing support for parents and other family members, “I don’t know how I would have made it without Greg and the entire staff. I can call any time and no matter who answers the phone I feel supported and receive thoughtful advice. They are solid trustful professionals who counsel from a healing perspective.”
After his time at ATCW, Adam spent several months in transitional residential treatment and eventually moved back home. “Our son needs space and a nurturing consistency. He is still learning about choices and consequences.” Ann took a leave of absence from her job to devote time for healing her family, “Families need to get healthy, not just the person that is using.”
She attended her first Al-Anon meeting, “It was shocking. I wondered what I was doing there and questioned if I really belonged. I realized how erroneous my assumptions were. Finally, I was in the midst of people who understood my fears and uncertainty. We all had so much work to do.”
Like many parents, Ann has wondered why her son became an addict. “It’s tough to forgive yourself – that’s one of the hardest things. It expends what little energy you have left. In many ways, we live in a society of throw-away people. They are not people whose parents don’t care, aren’t around or paying attention. Parents need support and information to be the ‘anti-drug’ influence.”
“Al-Anon has taught me to be more compassionate and less judgmental. My faith has sustained me.” Ann is learning how to support Adam’s recovery without trying to control him.”
A painful part of Ann’s journey came when she faced her own acceptance of Adam’s disease, “I had to let go of the dreams of how I thought life was going to be and mourn the loss of the natural sequence of events. I grieved the loss of my naiveté.”
Ann finds comfort and wisdom in the words of author Kahlil Gibran:
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts.
Adam is doing well and starting college. Ann has learned to embrace the pain and joys of parenting. She also offers some valuable advice to anyone in the midst of the confusion and chaos of a child in trouble, “You just keep showing up and standing up for your child – even when you think you can’t do it anymore – just keep showing up.”
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