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Refined by Fire
By Nina Patten
“As a family we feel strongly that we are not alone enduring difficulties in life. Many have struggles that they carry alone without anyone else’s knowledge. Ours have just been very visible.”
The picturesque farm country of north central Iowa has been Barb Brue’s lifelong home. Raised on a farm near Rake, Iowa, she loved the rural community and the close ties of family and friends. Even though fourteen years separated them, Barb was blessed with a close relationship with her only sister.
At the beginning of Barb’s senior year of high school, her mother was diagnosed with cancer. In spite of a grim prognosis, she fought bravely and endured a series of grueling treatments but lost her battle on April 29, 1978, only weeks before Barb’s baccalaureate and graduation. While many details of the time surrounding her mother’s death are blurred, Barb remembers vividly that their family and neighbors rallied around the family and knows that their care and concern carried them through this trying period. “They held us up,” she recalls.
Following high school, Barb enrolled in the nursing program at Iowa Lakes College. She worked in Mason City, Iowa, and in the Blue Earth (Minnesota) Medical Center where she worked exclusively for Dr. John Anderson. “I learned so much from him. He was a great doctor,” she remembers fondly.
Sparks of love
Barb settled happily into her career while her romance with future husband David began to bloom. David grew up in the nearby community of Buffalo Center and they became acquainted through the Luther League church group. “I actually knew his mother first. She was my substitute teacher,” Barb recalls. “Eventually David and I began dating.” After David completed his two-year agriculture degree, they were married on June 7, 1980, and moved into their first home east of Rake.
Barb’s father also remarried the same year and according to Barb, “A wonderful person entered our family.” With a smile she adds, “Not too many women can say that they were married the same year as their dad!”
Barb began working as the school nurse at the Buffalo Center school and on August 6, 1986, welcomed son Jeremy born at Mercy Hospital in Mason City, Iowa. Shortly after birth, he developed breathing problems and was airlifted to St. Mary’s Hospital in Rochester, Minnesota. An extensive series of tests failed to determine the cause of baby Jeremy’s problems and he was discharged after a few days. “The day after we returned home, we received a call from the pediatrician in Mason City informing us that Jeremy’s spinal tap had shown abnormal results,” Barb explains. “They told us we needed to return to the hospital immediately.”
Barb continued, “The spinal tap results turned out to be a false positive. We will never know why the test was abnormal, but it led to the discovery of a grape-sized tumor behind Jeremy’s left eye.” The baby was transferred to a hospital in Iowa City and the bewildered, frightened parents were faced with teams of physicians with differing ideas as to how Jeremy should be treated. “It was a confusing time as a parent to know what the right decision should be,” recalls Barb, “and we ended up consulting a mediation team who helped us sort out the options.”
Jeremy underwent a craniotomy to remove the tumor. Barb and David were told to expect a surgery that would involve an incision from ear to ear would last between eight and twenty hours. The surgery was completed in less than six hours and Jeremy was breathing without assistance. “He recovered quickly. The doctors told us that they did not think the tumor was cancerous but we would have to wait for lab tests to be sure.”
Six months later, they finally received word that their baby had been born with basil cell mesenchymoma – a non-cancerous condition so rare that the experts called it “one in a billion.”
Trial by Fire
In 1989, Barb and David were expecting their second child due in May. After experiencing pre-term labor in January, Barb was put on bed rest for the remainder of her pregnancy. Jeremy was two and one-half and according to Barb, “A very busy little boy. But I managed – we had a lot of gates,” she laughs.
“We were returning home from a doctor’s appointment. I just needed to make it for seven more days and I could deliver the baby in Mason City. As we got closer to home, we could see smoke, but thought someone was burning brush.” Barb remembers, “The closer we came, we realized that the smoke was coming from our farm.” Fire trucks filled the yard – their home had been completely destroyed.
A call from the state fire marshal the following day put their loss in perspective. He explained that the fire had been caused by faulty wiring in a doorbell transformer in the basement. Had they been home at the time, there was a chance that she and David could have escaped but would probably been unable to rescue Jeremy from his upstairs bedroom. The block construction of the house would have caused the fire to spread rapidly upstairs, much like an incinerator. “He told us that we may have lost everything but we lost nothing that really matters.”
Eight days later on May 10, 1989, son Jonathan was born.
After staying with David’s parents for several weeks, they bought a house and had it moved it to their farm acreage. “Life with two little boys was very busy and very fulfilling,” Barb remembers. She settled into a routine of helping David with fieldwork and taking care of the bookkeeping. It was not unusual for Barb to have both boys with her in the tractor cab. She also took an active role in establishing and growing their seed dealership.
Walking Through the Fire
In 2004, David became ill with shingles and diverticulitis. Barb began noticing other changes including mood swings, excessive sleeping, and short-term memory loss. He was diagnosed with depression and began treatment combining medication and therapy. When his condition did not improve, David underwent outpatient treatment at a private clinic in Illinois. “It was very, very trying. It tore our family
from every direction. We were watching him slip away from us,” Barb said quietly.
David battled his illness and endured intensive treatments and additional hospitalizations. His condition became evident to family, friends, and business associates. “We began receiving support and encouragement from people who had experienced mental illness. They were encouraging and helpful to us but I knew David was very ill.”
In the spring of 2005, David’s condition had deteriorated considerably. “In desperation, I called a family member associated with the Generose mental heath facility affiliated with the Mayo Clinic who arranged to have him admitted immediately.” Jeremy was about to graduate from high school and the crops needed to be planted. The hospital encouraged Barb to spend the days surrounding graduation on the farm to provide some stability for the boys and ease David’s concerns about the farm. “The hospital assured me that he would be well cared for and I kept in contact by phone several times a day.”
Barb continued, “He received excellent care. He was allowed only one eight-hour pass and was able to attend Jeremy’s graduation ceremony but not his open house the following day. Jeremy wanted his dad to see him graduate.”
David was discharged in early June. “We continued through the summer to work together the best we could. He could seem okay but I knew it took every ounce of energy to appear normal. The doctors continued to try everything possible to help him but nothing was working.”
At the end of the summer, Jeremy began his freshman year at Dordt College in Sioux Center, Iowa. With Jeremy away and Jonathan back in school, David and Barb tried to maintain some semblance of a routine. David was sleeping more and more but tried to go out in the afternoons and call on his customers.
On September 8, 2005, Barb and David planned their day. David was going to make some sales calls and attend a meeting. Barb went to her prayer group meeting.
But what Barb did not know was that David’s illness had reached the final stage and sometime during the day, he took his own life. Barb describes the time following David’s death simply, “It was a deep, dark time that was painful beyond words.”
Family, friends, and neighbors supported Barb and the boys as only members of a rural community can. A large group gathered on their farm to harvest their soybeans. The women filled Barb’s kitchen with food and love. In a single day, numerous combines, tractors, and wagons harvested the abundant crop. Barb managed the corn harvest with the help of family and people she and David had worked with for many years.
According to Barb, “The greatest help in our time of extreme need came from our church family at Forest City Baptist Church. They graciously provided for the cost of counseling for our family with a licensed therapist to begin the journey through grief. Everyone will heal from a serious wound, but the question is how will the wound heal? With the help of our therapist we are honoring my husband’s memory by living our lives in as healthy a way possible, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.”
Barb realizes that the loss of her mother when she was a senior in high school enables her to more fully understand and empathize with her sons’ loss of their father. Family members and several men from her church committed to mentor Jeremy and Jonathan. “They demonstrate the true spirit of God’s love in physical and practical ways. They do not try to take David’s place but they are there at sporting events and anytime they are needed.”
Out of the Ashes
A suicide survivor is defined as “A family member or friend of a person who died by suicide.” The American Psychiatric Association ranks the trauma of losing a loved one to suicide as catastrophic – on par with that of a concentration camp. Survivors are encouraged to seek out the help and support of others.
Shortly after David’s death, Barb attended her first suicide survivors meeting. It was not easy. She arrived with her boys and her sister in the parking lot outside the building and thought, “I can’t do this. But I have to. I have to learn how to survive this. These are my people; they have all been through the journey.” She attended a national teleconference and continues to attend survivor meetings.
Barb knows that her deep abiding faith and trust in God has sustained her through this painful journey and expresses her feelings, “God is still good. Life will never be the same. When people ask how we’re doing, I tell them that we’re doing well – in a new way. It will never be as before.”
Jeremy is now twenty-one years old and a junior at Dordt College majoring in mechanical engineering. Jonathan will be a senior in high school and is making his college plans. Barb has done some part-time private duty nursing and works with other suicide survivors in addition to managing the estate process of their farm operation. She has also found herself using some of her coping skills from David’s illness to help others. “One of the things that helped me through the chaos of life during David’s illness was to keep my home and office organized. Losing all my possessions in a fire also gives me perspective. I help people get organized and learn to let go of their ‘stuff.’”
Barb sums up their progress in the healing journey, “The waves of grief still pass, but not as intensely as they did in the first weeks and months. We go with those feelings and know they are a healthy part of the process – feeling what we need to feel. Each of us has discovered an inner strength that we did not know we possessed until it was needed. We are survivors choosing to move forward in life.” |
